God is good all the time……

“You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance.” – Psalms 65:11

In the flesh….

It has been the worst year of my life….

In the Spirit….

It has been the best year of my life….

The good news….

I have authority over my flesh….

I can choose to walk in the Spirit….

I can choose to let the truth rule over my flesh….

I can choose to let the truth rule over my feelings….

Almost all of my memories of My Healed Wife….

Almost all….

Are of her in good health….

Of her beautiful smile….

Of her radiant energy….

Her contagious laugh….

Her love for the lord….

Her love for our children….

Her love for me….

She did not own a room….

But her presence was felt by all in that room….

Calming….

Joyful….

Peaceful….

Her presence set the temperature….

She was not a thermometer….

She did not respond to the room…

She was a thermostat….

She quietly….

Gently….

Slowly…..

Changed the temperature….

Her light could be seen by all….

It was not an in your face, bright light….

It was a warm….

Gentle….

Soothing.,…

Calming….

Full of joy….

Full of laughter….

Kinda light….

She did not own the room….

She surely owned moments….

If you talked with her….

Her grace would pull you in….

You would want to hear more….

You would want to learn more…

About her….

About how she had such amazing peace….

What was the source of her joy….

That is the overwhelming theme of my memories…..

Her spirit shinning….

In good health….

Our good times together….

That is mostly what we had….

Good times….

It is easy to remember them….

It is an effort to remember a bad time….

I choose not to exert that effort…..

Every once in a while….

Something will trigger a memory….

A thought will sneak in….

Of her suffering….

I struggle with these moments….

I cannot stay in them long….

It can become a dark place…

Quickly….

If I allow it….

Mourning is one thing….

I can miss her with healthy memories….

I cannot dwell on the pain….

Actually….

I can….

But I choose not to…..

I choose to focus on His goodness….

On the blessing He gave me….

In her…..

The privilege it was….

To have her with me on earth….

For over 18 years….

To have her love….

To now have her Spirit in heaven…..

Her impact here on earth…

Her influence…

Her memory….

Her love….

Her legacy….

Our children…..

For the rest on my life….

The world will continue to be influenced….

Even greater….

By her spirit in heaven….

Then it was when it was here on earth….

That is why….

That is why she went home….

So she could glorify Him in even greater ways…..

That is peace….

That is what He has put on my heart….

What the enemy meant for evil….

God has turned for good….

He has helped me see good….

Even in the bad….

I am so grateful….

It could have been so much longer….

So many people suffer for years…..

I am grateful….

Grateful her suffering was short….

From February….

Until the end of May….

For about 20 hours a day….

I was never more than six feet away from her….

It was a beautiful time together….

We drew even closer….

Many might think that would be a cursing….

Stuck together….

That close….

Our house….

Became a room….

Very small….

Very intimate….

We drew closer….

To each other….

To Him…..

He uses everything for His good….

I remember….

A time in the hospital….

She was suffering with nausea…..

If she was awake…..

She was resisting….

I could not sleep….

When nausea came on….

I would pray….

She was too weak….

I would pray for her….

Standing on the Word….

Casting out the enemy…..

Casting out her nausea…..

I was sitting in the chair beside her bed….

Dozing as she dozed…..

She would wake me….

It is time to pray…..

I would immediately begin to pray….

Pray the enemy….

The nausea….

Away….

Once….

I did not wake very well….

My prayers were quiet….

She noticed….

The nausea was not responding….

I stood up….

Praying…..

Pacing….

Praying….

I was not sitting again….

If she was awake….

Or asleep….

I was praying….

For hours….

About 3am….

Exhausted….

My prayers became wishes….

Like I was rubbing a lucky rabbit’s foot….

My prayers became desperate…..

My prayers became fearful….

My prayers started to fill with anger…..

I finally broke….

The enemy got to me….

I shouted out to the Lord….

In anger….

In frustration….

With almost a hint of disrespect…..

Well….

A lot of disrespect….

Lord….

Why……

I feel like I am begging….

Why do I have to beg you….

Why do I have to pray again….

And again….

And again….

Why do I have to beg…..

That is not who you are…..

In one of my darkest moments….

I was in pain….

My heart hurt….

It hurt for My Healed Wife….

The darkness….

Was not feeling His presence….

At that moment….

In spite of my disrespect….

He spoke to my heart….

Son….

I heard you the first time….

I heard your first prayer….

Your continued prayers are not for me….

Those prayers are for you….

For you to grow….

For you to strengthen your faith….

For you to spend more time with me….

For you to grow in your relationship with me…

Becoming more and more intimate….

With Me…..

Desperate prayers….

Those do not draw us closer….

Rest in Me…..

Your prayers of faith….

Strengthen you….

Draw us closer…..

I heard you the first time….

I have got you…..

You may not understand….

You may not understand the moment…

But I have got you….

I know the desires of your heart…..

I have got you….

The prayers….

The prayers of faith….

Not desperation….

Are for you…..

As you draw near to me….

I draw near to you…..

Our intimacy grows….

With each prayer of faith….

We draw closer…..

Wow….

It was such a beautiful conversation….

A blanket of peace….

Covered the room….

The darkness was instantly gone…..

He was always there….

It was me….

Slipping out of fellowship…..

Letting fatigue….

Letting the enemy….

Slip into my mind….

Trying to separate me from the love of God….

I cried to Him….

He stepped in….

My Healed Wife and I ….

We slept peacefully…..

The rest of the night….

He was present…..

His goodness….

Was overwhelming…..

What the enemy meant for evil….

He turned to good….

The enemy thought….

Taking her from this earth….

Would destroy my family…..

It has not….

It has drawn us closer….

Together….

To God…..

We are on fire…..

Like never before….

To bring people to Jesus….

To spread His love…..

To spread His goodness….

His faithfulness…..

To be a light….

A light in the darkness….

God has taken what the enemy meant for evil….

And turned it for good…..

She is in His presence….

Healed…..

Whole…..

Her spirit in heaven….

Is doing so much more….

To glorify Him….

To advance the Kingdom….

Then it did when it was here on earth….

And her spirit did A LOT…..

When it was here on earth….

A lot to glorify Him…..

Her legacy will continue….

We are stronger….

Through Him….

We will honor her….

And glorify Him….

More than ever…..

In all that we do…..

We have a new understanding….

A new understanding of what it means….

To seek first His kingdom and righteousness….

We have a new understanding of his faithfulness…

Of His goodness….

Of His peace…..

Of His love…..

2023…..

It has been a beautiful horrible experience….

I am a peaceful wreck….

…… all the time God is good.

God is good all the time….

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. – Psalm 23:6

Christmas is coming up quickly….

I am not ready….

It is tough to prepare with two people….

Every day I realize more of what she did….

What she did for me….

For the children….

I am pretty sure I was not carrying my weight….

I thought I appreciated her when she was here….

I thought I showed her gratitude….

I thought I supported her….

The more I realize all that she did….

The more I realize….

I did not carry my weight…

I did not appreciate her enough….

I did not show her enough gratitude….

I did not support her enough….

I did not ensure she felt loved….

By me….

By the Lord….

Every minute of every day….

Loved by me…

Loved by the Lord….

That is what she deserved….

To never feel….

Like she was anything but….

The most important person on this earth to me….

That she was more important than my job….

That she was more important than our children…

That she was more important than the project I was working on….

That she was more important than the show I was watching….

That she was more important than whatever I was doing on my phone…

That she was worth dropping everything to take care of her….

To just be fully present with her…

Every minute she needed me….

I think I treated her well….

But nowhere close to what she deserved….

I don’t have the chance to redo it….

I hope I showed my boys a glimpse….

A glimpse of how to support a woman…

How to love her….

How to care for her…

How to appreciate her….

How to be present with her….

How to point her to the Lord….

How to do life together….

How to be a family….

I have learned so much….

I have so much more to learn….

I have so much to share….

I have so much to teach….

My boys will be better versions of me….

They will be better because of this season….

I pray that through my actions with my healed wife….

That through my actions as I continue to learn…

Through the wisdom I share with the boys….

That my girls see….

See how a Godly man should treat them….

See what to expect in a Godly relationship….

See that it is out there….

See that they deserve the man God designed for them…

And nothing less….

That when they find him….

He will treat them even better….

They deserve better…..

The responsibility of a leader of the family is tremendous….

The responsibility of the man….

There is a song….

By Sanctus Real….

Lead me….

I cry EVERY time I hear it….

I have heard it a lot….

I cry every time….

The signs of a good leader….

Is one that realizes he cannot do it alone….

The signs of a good leader….

Is one who realizes he needs the Lord….

Needs the Lord to lead him….

Before he could every lead anyone else….

The responsibilities are more….

More than any man can handle alone….

The Lord is the only way….

The only way to lead….

The only way to find peace….

The only way to find true love….

The only way to find satisfaction….

The only way to lead…

To realize…

That we should chase His dreams for our life….

Not our plans for our life….

To make His thoughts our thoughts….

Not to make our thoughts His thoughts….

To live a life worthy of His calling…..

That is where leaders are born…

Thought following Him….

Joseph and I were snuggling in bed last night….

We had a beautiful conversation…..

He asked me if I missed sleeping with Mom…..

I said yes I do….

I asked him if he missed snuggling with her….

He said yes he does…..

He said he misses her laugh….

He said it with a tremendous joy….

With a tremendous peace….

As a loving memory….

Not a painful hole….

He said he loves how hard she laughs….

Laughs at Cory on Dude Perfect….

When he tries to go through a doorway….

A glass door….

That is closed….

The look on his face….

After he hits the door….

Priceless….

That always made her laugh….

Laugh so hard she cried….

We all loved the sound of her laugh….

It was contagious…..

Intoxicating….

Joseph slammed into a sliding glass door yesterday…..

After we realized he was ok….

We laughed….

Laughed with him….

Not at him….

I reminded him how that makes his mom laugh….

I told him she was laughing with him right now…..

Probably hitting rewind….

A few times….

Laughing just as hard….

Each time….

It did not bring him tears….

Or sadness….

It brought him joy….

He could hear his mom laugh….

It brought about the sweet conversation….

The one a few hours later….

Snuggling with dad….

Remembering his mom….

And her awesome touch….

Her amazing laugh….

It was a beautiful moment….

We were both present in the moment….

The Lord was present….

Her spirit was alive in us both….

In memory….

Her legacy….

Will live on….

Hannah celebrated her 15^th birthday not long ago….

I sung happy birthday to her….

It was horrible…

But the heart was there….

She was smiling ear to ear….

We embraced in a long hug….

The tears started to flow….

I knew what she was thinking….

I told her that her healed mama was so proud of her….

Her 15 year old sweet girl….

She squeezed me a little tighter….

We were leaving for FL….

We were late….

Meeting some friends on the way….

They were waiting on us….

We hugged a little longer….

I reminded her how much her mama loves her….

And always will….

She is such a tremendous reflection of her mama’s heart….

It was a sweet moment….

After a bit….

I asked her….

Do you know what mama is doing now….

She wiped away a tear….

Looked up at me….

Shook her head no…..

I said….

She is down in the car….

Honking the horn…..

Telling us to Get. Down. Stairs. Now.….

We both laughed out loud….

Remembering….

Leaving on time….

Especially for vacation….

Was a pet peeve of hers….

There were a lot of things we could be late for….

Vacation was not one of them….

Her priorities were right….

We laughed….

Hugged a bit longer….

And pressed on…..

Her legacy will live on….

Though our memories….

Through our amazing world changers….

That she so selflessly raised in the Lord….

I promised her I would not mess them up…

He is making sure I don’t…..

She is making sure I don’t….

The impression she left runs deep…..

In all of us….

And continues to shine….

In all of us….

….. all the time God is good.

God is good all the time….

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning.  Great is your faithfulness.”  – Lamentations 3:22,23

You may not know our story….

Our troubles….

They are not special….

Or unique….

Everyone has them….

Their own version of tragedy….

Personal….

Financial….

Relational….

Everyone has them….

Our troubles….

They have been filled with the goodness of God….

His hand….

His presence….

His love….

Some of our troubles….

Were brought on ourselves….

Some were persecutions….

Regardless the cause….

He was there….

Waiting for us to ask….

Ask for help….

Ask for His presence….

Ask for His peace….

Ask for His comfort….

Every area we have given Him….

He has shown up….

In abundance….

Financially….

I have not worked since February….

I was focusing on taking care of my healed wife….

Since she went to be with Jesus….

I have been focused on loving my children….

On learning a new way of living….

A new way of living with my healed wife….

Their healed mama….

Learning how to continue….

In a way that honors her….

A way that glorifies Him….

How to continue with Homeschool….

That was her passion….

Her calling….

I promised her….

I would not mess them up….

Keeping them homschooled….

Is part of that promise….

I should not have been able to go this long….

This long without a paycheck…

Two years ago….

We filed personal bankruptcy….

Another story….

For another day….

Another story of His goodness….

A story of His faithfulness….

A story of His presence….

A story of His provision….

We lost our house….

At 52 years old…..

I was stripped down to almost zero….

Financially starting over….

There is no way….

This past year….

No way….

I should have been able to take care of my healed wife and children….

But God…..

He provided….

Through the blessing of so many others….

Through His love….

He has provided….

He will never forsake us…..

I have been waiting on a bill….

A hospital stay from January….

I have not seen one yet….

Insurance was declining it….

I knew it was coming….

Sooner or later….

Expecting $30,000 to $50,000 bill…..

It came….

I opened it slowly…..

Knowing….

No matter what it said…..

He will provide…..

It was itemized….

Total bill – $27k

Total paid – $27k

You owe – $200.00

Praise God….

Praise God….

Praise God….

The next letter….

From a Radiologist….

I could not imagine what it was for….

I though I had paid them in full….

What now….

I opened it up….

I had overpaid them….

It was a refund….

$237…..

God is so good…..

What could have been a $50k bill….

Turned into $37…..

That is just one small way….

That He continues to show in our lives….

He put it on my heart….

Spoke to my heart….

Kerry…..

Don’t worry about your finances….

You have been faithful….

I will be faithful….

You are doing what you need…

Doing what I have called you to do….

Raising your 5 world changers….

You are preparing to serve Me….

At a greater capacity….

Even though you don’t know what that means….

Don’t know what that looks like…..

You are still stepping out in faith….

You are preparing….

For whatever I am bringing your way….

Kerry…..

My son….

I have got this…..

I have got you….

I have got your children….

You do your part….

Prepare the horse for battle….

Victory rest in Me…..

Victory rests in the Lord…..

That is what He put on my heart….

As I was praising Him for His faithfulness…

That was how He responded…..

I got you son….

You keep seeking first My kingdom and righteousness….

You keep living a life worthy of My calling…..

You and your children have work to do for me….

I will provide….

Her spirit had such a big impact on earth….

It will have an even greater impact in heaven….

Honor her….

Glorify me….

Kerry….

My son…..

I got you….

With My righteous right hand….

I got you….

That intimate conversation….

That connection with the Holy Spirit….

That presence….

That love….

That intimacy is the beautiful….

The beautiful of this beautiful horrible experience….

That relationship….

His goodness….

His faithfulness…..

His presence….

His hope….

His love…..

That is the peace….

The peace in the peaceful wreck that I am….

As I draw near to Him…..

He draws near to me….

As my children draw near to Him….

He draws near to them….

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord…..

That has come off our lips so many times….

It is on our wall…

Our actions have fallen short….

Other priorities have taken over….

No more….

I can never leave this place….

This relationship….

That He desires to have with me…..

The intimacy….

And heaven is so much more….

The beauty of it all….

I am not special….

My children are not special….

This is not favoritism…..

This is available to everyone…..

He is no respecter of people….

He will give this to anyone….

My heart breaks….

For anyone….

Who does not know Him…..

Who is not seeking Him….

For anyone….

Who knows Him….

But is not seeking Him….

For anyone….

Who knows Him….

But has drifted in tragedy….

For anyone….

Who has been overcome….

Overcome by circumstances….

He is the beauty….

Of this beautiful horrible experience….

He is the peace….

Of this peaceful wreck that I am….

He wants to be that to everyone….

The beauty….

The peace….

He wants to be that for you….

Great is His faithfulness…..

Jesus loves you…..

….. all the time God is good.

God is good all the time….

Guide my footsteps according to your word.  Let no sin rule over me.  – Psalm 199:133

My children trust in me…

They look to me….

As a source of truth….

As a guide to life….

They know what I know….

I hope my life….

I hope my actions….

I hope my thoughts….

Point them to Him….

I try to be better….

Everyday….

I have never become that parent….

That dad who knows nothing….

I told my oldest today….

Leaving out for XC practice….

First day as a licensed driver….

Her and her sister….

By themselves…..

I told her I trust her….

I believe in her….

She responded….

Of course you do….

I had a great teacher….

I melted….

She believes in me….

She trusts me…

The beauty of it….

I was not talking just about her driving….

I trust in her….

In every way…..

Her mama has done such a great job with her….

With all the children….

I am so blessed….

My sixteen-year-old believes in me….

Trusts in me….

Still looks to me for guidance….

For direction….

For love….

For attention….

I am blessed….

After she passed her road test….

I told her I was proud of her….

For so many reasons….

We prayed on the way…

That she would bless the instructor….

It ended up being a female….

She was very rigid….

Cold…

Clinical…

Pulling out of the lot…

Mary Grace asked her how her day was…..

She immediately loosened up….

Girl, it has been one heck of a day….

One of the road tests had hit a parked car….

She asked about her Thanksgiving….

She told Mary Grace…

It was her best yet….

Her demeanor continued to change….

Mary Grace invested in her….

Changed her day….

I told her I was proud of her….

I told her that her mama was proud of her….

She looked at me with pure joy….

She asked….

Really….

I responded….

Absolutely….

We remembered her first drive around the yard….

My healed wife was bedridden….

We put her on face time….

So she could be part of the moment….

From the phone….

She coached her beautifully….

As Mary Grace made her way around the yard….

It brought us both joy to remember….

Mary Grace said….

I am glad she is part of today too….

It is nice she can be everywhere now….

All at once….

I agreed….

I told her she is beaming with pride….

While probably shaking her head….

At the trouble the boys are getting into back home….

We laughed….

We drove home in such peace….

When I told her….

Her mama was proud….

She looked at me….

Like she did not know that….

Really….

She asked….

My response warmed her heart….

She trusts in my words….

She believes in my words….

Raising children….

Is such an honor….

Such a responsibility….

It is a privilege…..

I do not take it lightly….

I can sometimes….

Maybe often….

Focus on the task….

The responsibility to guide them…

Guide them in the right direction….

I can sometimes forget….

To just be present….

To just enjoy them….

Not always be directing them….

Not always fixing their problems….

Sometimes….

They just need me….

They just need me to be present….

They just need me to be still….

To love….

To laugh….

To cry….

To hug….

To listen….

To dream….

To follow….

To give them….

All of me….

Even if for just a moment….

I am so blessed….

That they still want my time….

My thoughts….

My love….

I am meeting Mary Grace and Addision…

At the gym….

In a bit….

With the rest of the children….

She just sent me a text….

From XC practice….

Dad….

Will you please bring snacks to the gym….

My independent girl….

Still needs her dad…..

I will always be there for her….

For all of them….

My Healed Wife…..

Will always be there for them….

In spirit….

And in all that she taught them….

I promised….

In one of her last days….

Before going to be with Jesus….

I promised…..

I would not mess the kids up….

I would carry on all that she had done….

I would carry on her dreams for them….

For them to follow God’s will in their life….

No matter what direction that took them….

No matter where we thought they should go….

That they follow God….

I am walking that out with them now….

Together….

One step at a time….

He is guiding my steps….

He is guiding their steps….

I am learning to follow….

To not rush out ahead….

To not take my own path….

We are learning together….

She is still influencing us….

Every day…..

…..All the time God is good

God is good all the time….

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6

I was reading a tough post from a friend with a young daughter battling cancer….

Hannah was reading it with me….

The person feels like they are alone on an island in their battle….

I got a text from Hannah after bedtime that night….

It was a stretch….

For Hannah to go against the rules….

No texting after bed time….

She was called to share….

She broke the rule…

She responded to His tug on her heart….

Her healed mama is so proud of her….

Her dad is so proud to see the relationship she has with the Lord….

Sometimes even envious….

She is 14….

Here is her message…..

You know, I was scooping the litter and just thought about what that lady posted about her daughter and feeling like she was trapped on an island that nobody could reach. And God just kinda put it on my heart that when we feel isolated, like we’re trapped on that island and no one can help, or no one’s there, just go to the beach. Go to the shore. Watch how the waves keep reaching out. Never resting. Never ceasing. That’s Jesus. He’s always reaching out to us letting us know He’s always there. Even when we feel most alone, he just keeps reaching out. Never stopping. Never ceasing. He’s always right there with us and for us. Even in the midst of the wind and the raging seas He’s right there in the midst of it all. Holding you up.

….All the time God is good