December 31st, 2023

God is good all the time……

“You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance.” – Psalms 65:11

In the flesh….

It has been the worst year of my life….

In the Spirit….

It has been the best year of my life….

The good news….

I have authority over my flesh….

I can choose to walk in the Spirit….

I can choose to let the truth rule over my flesh….

I can choose to let the truth rule over my feelings….

Almost all of my memories of My Healed Wife….

Almost all….

Are of her in good health….

Of her beautiful smile….

Of her radiant energy….

Her contagious laugh….

Her love for the lord….

Her love for our children….

Her love for me….

She did not own a room….

But her presence was felt by all in that room….

Calming….

Joyful….

Peaceful….

Her presence set the temperature….

She was not a thermometer….

She did not respond to the room…

She was a thermostat….

She quietly….

Gently….

Slowly…..

Changed the temperature….

Her light could be seen by all….

It was not an in your face, bright light….

It was a warm….

Gentle….

Soothing.,…

Calming….

Full of joy….

Full of laughter….

Kinda light….

She did not own the room….

She surely owned moments….

If you talked with her….

Her grace would pull you in….

You would want to hear more….

You would want to learn more…

About her….

About how she had such amazing peace….

What was the source of her joy….

That is the overwhelming theme of my memories…..

Her spirit shinning….

In good health….

Our good times together….

That is mostly what we had….

Good times….

It is easy to remember them….

It is an effort to remember a bad time….

I choose not to exert that effort…..

Every once in a while….

Something will trigger a memory….

A thought will sneak in….

Of her suffering….

I struggle with these moments….

I cannot stay in them long….

It can become a dark place…

Quickly….

If I allow it….

Mourning is one thing….

I can miss her with healthy memories….

I cannot dwell on the pain….

Actually….

I can….

But I choose not to…..

I choose to focus on His goodness….

On the blessing He gave me….

In her…..

The privilege it was….

To have her with me on earth….

For over 18 years….

To have her love….

To now have her Spirit in heaven…..

Her impact here on earth…

Her influence…

Her memory….

Her love….

Her legacy….

Our children…..

For the rest on my life….

The world will continue to be influenced….

Even greater….

By her spirit in heaven….

Then it was when it was here on earth….

That is why….

That is why she went home….

So she could glorify Him in even greater ways…..

That is peace….

That is what He has put on my heart….

What the enemy meant for evil….

God has turned for good….

He has helped me see good….

Even in the bad….

I am so grateful….

It could have been so much longer….

So many people suffer for years…..

I am grateful….

Grateful her suffering was short….

From February….

Until the end of May….

For about 20 hours a day….

I was never more than six feet away from her….

It was a beautiful time together….

We drew even closer….

Many might think that would be a cursing….

Stuck together….

That close….

Our house….

Became a room….

Very small….

Very intimate….

We drew closer….

To each other….

To Him…..

He uses everything for His good….

I remember….

A time in the hospital….

She was suffering with nausea…..

If she was awake…..

She was resisting….

I could not sleep….

When nausea came on….

I would pray….

She was too weak….

I would pray for her….

Standing on the Word….

Casting out the enemy…..

Casting out her nausea…..

I was sitting in the chair beside her bed….

Dozing as she dozed…..

She would wake me….

It is time to pray…..

I would immediately begin to pray….

Pray the enemy….

The nausea….

Away….

Once….

I did not wake very well….

My prayers were quiet….

She noticed….

The nausea was not responding….

I stood up….

Praying…..

Pacing….

Praying….

I was not sitting again….

If she was awake….

Or asleep….

I was praying….

For hours….

About 3am….

Exhausted….

My prayers became wishes….

Like I was rubbing a lucky rabbit’s foot….

My prayers became desperate…..

My prayers became fearful….

My prayers started to fill with anger…..

I finally broke….

The enemy got to me….

I shouted out to the Lord….

In anger….

In frustration….

With almost a hint of disrespect…..

Well….

A lot of disrespect….

Lord….

Why……

I feel like I am begging….

Why do I have to beg you….

Why do I have to pray again….

And again….

And again….

Why do I have to beg…..

That is not who you are…..

In one of my darkest moments….

I was in pain….

My heart hurt….

It hurt for My Healed Wife….

The darkness….

Was not feeling His presence….

At that moment….

In spite of my disrespect….

He spoke to my heart….

Son….

I heard you the first time….

I heard your first prayer….

Your continued prayers are not for me….

Those prayers are for you….

For you to grow….

For you to strengthen your faith….

For you to spend more time with me….

For you to grow in your relationship with me…

Becoming more and more intimate….

With Me…..

Desperate prayers….

Those do not draw us closer….

Rest in Me…..

Your prayers of faith….

Strengthen you….

Draw us closer…..

I heard you the first time….

I have got you…..

You may not understand….

You may not understand the moment…

But I have got you….

I know the desires of your heart…..

I have got you….

The prayers….

The prayers of faith….

Not desperation….

Are for you…..

As you draw near to me….

I draw near to you…..

Our intimacy grows….

With each prayer of faith….

We draw closer…..

Wow….

It was such a beautiful conversation….

A blanket of peace….

Covered the room….

The darkness was instantly gone…..

He was always there….

It was me….

Slipping out of fellowship…..

Letting fatigue….

Letting the enemy….

Slip into my mind….

Trying to separate me from the love of God….

I cried to Him….

He stepped in….

My Healed Wife and I ….

We slept peacefully…..

The rest of the night….

He was present…..

His goodness….

Was overwhelming…..

What the enemy meant for evil….

He turned to good….

The enemy thought….

Taking her from this earth….

Would destroy my family…..

It has not….

It has drawn us closer….

Together….

To God…..

We are on fire…..

Like never before….

To bring people to Jesus….

To spread His love…..

To spread His goodness….

His faithfulness…..

To be a light….

A light in the darkness….

God has taken what the enemy meant for evil….

And turned it for good…..

She is in His presence….

Healed…..

Whole…..

Her spirit in heaven….

Is doing so much more….

To glorify Him….

To advance the Kingdom….

Then it did when it was here on earth….

And her spirit did A LOT…..

When it was here on earth….

A lot to glorify Him…..

Her legacy will continue….

We are stronger….

Through Him….

We will honor her….

And glorify Him….

More than ever…..

In all that we do…..

We have a new understanding….

A new understanding of what it means….

To seek first His kingdom and righteousness….

We have a new understanding of his faithfulness…

Of His goodness….

Of His peace…..

Of His love…..

2023…..

It has been a beautiful horrible experience….

I am a peaceful wreck….

…… all the time God is good.